From drama to reality
Ever since I was a child I’ve always felt quite lost. Most of the time I didn’t know what to do, how to live the life, how to make decisions or where to find at least some sense of guidance. I was simply confused and thus many times reliant on following somebody else’s decision, suggestion or a desire.
For the rest of the time I was following my inner voice and when I was still confused I let the life to push me into some decision – or I got stuck. I’ve got frozen, being unable to take any step. Only in hindsight, I realized that by following my inner voice I was actually doing the best thing I ever could.
As far as I can remember, I’ve never had any special dreams. All I ever wanted was to be somewhere outdoors, in the mountains. Amongst the trees, rocks, rivers, and lakes. To stay in silence, breathe the fresh air and listen to all the miraculous voices of wilderness. To be free, to feel the freedom up to the bones and not being burdened by any constraints, laws and meaningless rules projected upon us. What you can or can’t, what you should and should not be doing, how you are or are not allowed to express yourself and what is or is not permitted or tolerated by others. Of course, that never came true. Instead, I found myself to perceive being alive harder and harder, moving from one place to another and constantly starting from “a scratch” in all areas of my life. I literally couldn’t be kept still.
At some point, I didn’t want to live that kind of life anymore. I was simply not willing to constantly take the consequences of my own, at some point always unpredicted behaviour – when everything I built in years was smashed up in a few weeks. I became tired of it. I found it insane. I wanted to change all that. And so my search began…
There was a time when I was searching for answers. For reasons, arguments, and causalities.
There was a time when I wanted to grow.
There was a time when I wanted to change myself and consequently to change others too. I travelled a bit and I saw the consequences of our acts in real. My heart was aching when I saw the depletion of natural resources when wandering through the mountains and jungles around the world.
There was a time when I was in a poor health condition and I wanted to heal myself. I believed I was doing so – and even that I was successful in that mission.
It was a time when I wanted to change everything – myself, others, my parents and the whole world. To cut all “the old” and inefficient off the world.
And I obviously found some answers. And I also found some reasons. Because if you start searching for the answers, you will inevitably sooner or later find something. It might not be what you are really searching for and you will be most likely only fiddling with effects but it will feed your hunger, at least for some time.
For example, I found that there are two forces in us. The evolution one and the involution one. The masculine and the feminine. There is a Yang and also Yin. Man and a woman. The new and the old. The future and the past. Sun and the moon. Two different sides of polarity. And no one of them is fertile just on its own. Thus, we also do not prosper by sitting at one or the other side of polarity only, while refusing the other one. We are none of them. And at the same time both of them.
But one day, at some point of my journey suddenly all changed.
I stopped searching. I no longer felt the hunger inside. Not for the information and not at the moment. I didn’t stop acting, I only stopped gathering more and more. Because I found and then experientially realized that no amount of searching, studying, self-development or any other outer doings could ever help us to initiate authentic inner growth. At the same time, we would never get in without all that amount of searching, studying and outer doings.
I no longer want to change myself, I no longer want to heal myself and I no longer want to change or heal the others.
Actually, I no longer want to change, fix or heal anything or anyone.
For a simple reason. It’s an awareness that everything we experience around us is already the best it could be. In every single moment. And that in every single moment our perception of the world around us is our own reflection. Your parents, you, other people, the whole planet. There’s nothing wrong with them and nothing wrong with you either. The whole world might not be perfect but definitely the best it could be. Taken into account the predicament we all share. We just don’t perceive it. We are not aware of it. Not yet.
There is nothing and nobody in this world to change, fix or heal.
Our need of trying to change everything and to heal others is actually our unconscious intent to get rid of the unintegrated collective imprinting by projecting it onto others. Without being aware of the fact that we are all in the same boat, for it is our collective predicament we all share together.
Surprisingly, all I want now is quiet. Silence. To breathe the fresh air and listen to all the miraculous voices of wilderness. Just with one small difference than when I was a child. I wish to all this happen not on the outside – but inside. I would like to feel it, not to believe or think of it. And I want to feel it all. Including the “other side of the coin”.
And what will happen on the outside then? Who knows…
People don’t need help. People don’t need to be fixed, changed, healed or coached to become “more developed”. All we ever needed, as children, was an unconditional attention which in sense is our acceptance. Most of us were not lucky enough to get this. Not because we were not loved. For we were loved conditionally. Due to the unintegrated collective imprinting that we all share together.
What we all need is to see the reality as it is. To see, perceive and accept everything without any condition whatsoever. That’s what people need. The whole issue, that is if there is an issue, is that we lack awareness. For example of the fact that we are not children anymore. Yet there is still the child aspect of us present and always will be.
We have not integrated our own past yet. And while there are many ways how people try, there’s only one way how to really accomplish anything on this particular journey. Nothing we have ever done accomplished anything authentic within the integration of our past. There is nothing to do. The experience of unconditional being, without projecting consequences of such behaviour upon yourself or others, does not require anything but acceptance.
The release, relieve and all the other “healing” will certainly lift us up from heaviness. And there’s nothing wrong about it. It’s an inevitable part of the journey. However, it won’t change anything within the integration of our past. And one day – when we will be ready for it we will have to face the reality anyway.
The question is not if, the question is only when. My humble advice to all of us is “take your time”…