The life half-lived
In the last few days, I had an opportunity to visit and meet some old places and friends which I haven’t seen for some considerable time. I was looking forward to meeting them and see what “the wheel of time” has brought into life. A little curious too. I also went amongst people in the towns. In the cafes, restaurants and the busy streets of summer season’s rush. And I enjoyed myself, doing what I always loved so much. Observe, watch, contemplate, feel the business of life.
I have to admit that some part of me became sad a little bit. It’s the one for which it is still difficult to accept “that what is”. But there is also the other one, which stayed completely quiet. Smiling secretly. Knowing that all is perfect as it is. And that all in the Universe is moving according to the great schedule of evolution. In its own pace and form. Detached from our mentally imposed plans, impatient desires or wishes. As a wise men say – all is fine, and all ever have been fine, and all will be fine…
However, I cannot help myself but write down what I have seen and felt in the streets of busy towns and cities. And I have to generalize a bit. Looking at society as a whole. In its current state.
I saw how people would rigidly like to forever keep the status quo. I saw how people would like not to do anything for the whole and its growth. I saw how we are oppressing the true nature of humanity. I, unfortunately, saw how people simply want to stay inside the suffering. How we don’t want to let the change in. How we cannot let go of our comfort and luxury of the superficial lives we live. How we are afraid to look into our lives, to look into the mirror and face ourselves. We won’t even try. Try to dig out the old healthy core and slowly repair the cracks around it so that the form becomes whole again.
Instead, we choose our abject attempts of trying to endlessly glue all the falling pieces together. Trying to maintain and keep this state of “just about to fall apart misery“. Thus only postponing the real solutions. Which we will, one day, have to undergo anyway. And so we go on changing the roof above the terrace but we don’t renew or paint the old frame underneath the roof, which is all rusty. We go on doing something that we don’t want to do. We’re doing it with the underlying sense of disgust and that is also the energy involved. We stay in the jobs we hate, we start the projects we don’t input our full energy in, we go on living with somebody we don’t love, we continue living the lifestyle which harms our body & being, or we eat food that doesn’t serve our health. We go on meeting people whose presence is not healthy for us anymore and we are constantly hurting ourselves through unconsciously following all our ancestral patterns and beliefs. But above all, we have long since lost faith and betray our hearts to something that doesn’t serve life anymore.
And we’re kidding ourselves that we have to and that there’s no other way. Because “this is how it is”. It’s always been like this. Our parents lived like this. And our grandparents lived like this. And their parents… and so we continue in this ancestral insanity. We carry so much of heaviness. Our bodies are full of ancestral memories that a lot of us can hardly even walk. But we don’t do anything about it. Because we are unaware, lazy, selfish, greedy, dishonest with ourselves and we prefer living inside the grand, pompous fairy-tale. Full of big smiles, feeling “fine”, “successful” business projects, “wars for peace” and romantic soap operas.
We simply prefer half-hearted solutions and half-lived lives. Because we are afraid to step into the real ones. For we fear that if we start, we may find out that the frame underneath the roof also needs to be changed. But that’s the deal. Stepping into the real one entails leaping into the void. Into the emptiness and aloneness of life’s embrace. Which is unpredictable, unsafe and insecure. And (un)fortunately we won’t find an insurance company to secure our path in it.
We choose pretence over presence and underneath all those laughing and smiling faces lies hidden a tremendous amount of unintegrated fear, anger and grief – or in other words suffering. But we choose suffering over freedom because this is what we are used to. We unconsciously know that state. From the mother’s womb, from childhood, from all the lifetime. In truth, we all greatly suffer. But we don’t want to let go of the suffering. Because when we suffer, at least we know what is happening. We suffer. It’s difficult, depressive, wounding, lacking love or any depth and without hope of getting better. But we got used to it. That’s our primary addiction. Our addiction to suffering…
Oh yeah. Half-heartedness. Life half-lived. Ahh, modern society’s greatest trap. Serving us the illusionary freedom image. Which we, very willingly, consume in all the possible and impossible faces and forms.
So there’s no surprise that our unconscious idea about the happiness and freedom is to eat until we are going to explode and feel terrible, get drunk, listen to some noisy voices at the party, have an animal-type sexual contact with our also desperate partner and then to wake up the next morning sick, while trying to recover until we get again to the job we hate and into a collective where we feel like aliens.
Perhaps we have all forgotten why we came here… Why did we come to this life (or why we received this precious opportunity) and what is our true role within the society. Yes, we also came here to enjoy life. Definitely. Life is certainly not about blindly chasing our poor goals, physical freedom, power & wealth or even “enlightenment”. But what we don’t want to see is that from the half part we came here to grow. And help the whole to grow. We most likely didn’t come here just to get drunk, take some drugs to run away from reality, eat some junk food which awfully harms the body, have an argument with our partner or to spend the whole day in front of the TV. We all seem to somehow agree to a half-lived life. We came here, deep inside we all know what for, but we pretend that we don’t remember and we support each other in this illusion.
And then some of us choose to go a different way. To “follow the heart” as they like to say nowadays. And it’s an honourable intention. But even then we come, naturally, into the phase where we feel stuck, confused or we encounter obstacles on the way. And we adopt a habitual behaviour of being very careful with all our decisions and actions. Then we unconsciously intend to consider and re-consider any step we take towards our original intention. Forgetting that the true remedy is simply to surrender to whatever comes our way.
But perhaps we are all just trying to over-analyse everything and we think that life should go on without any obstacles or “problems”. We think that life is here to be analysed and understood, instead of to be lived. But there could be also some meaning within these obstacles – to teach us something. Or maybe also to test us a little bit. To test our commitment to life, our commitment to ourselves. Before we can be of some use to serve others. Gracefully placed in front of us by life and its infinite gentleness. Of course, only if we are open to listen and receive its teachings. Without obsessively trying to find some “reasons” and “symbols” and “messages” behind all that is. And trying to endlessly analyse all our decisions and their validity along with knowing in advance what will happen and how it will happen and where life leads us. To keep our own, small, illusory safety. Because we might be afraid to live life fully and to surrender to its commitments. Which are consequently our commitments. And by doing this, to face life and to face ourselves, holding nothing back. As the very first commitment we gave ourselves was most likely to live this life.
Maybe we are just too afraid to look into the mirror…
We rather stay hidden behind others, behind the reasons and our absurd yet sometimes comical excuses. Or we stay co-dependent on the others, their hard-earned certainty and independence. Cling to them and their guidance, which is of no use whatsoever for us. And endlessly projecting our issues and fears upon them and all around us. Because we lack the commitment to Life, to ourselves. And because we cannot (or we don’t want to) see that we are Life and that our own experience is the commitment, the lesson and the teaching…
So when we will finally realize, or start to realize, that the whole world around us is nothing but our mirror, that might be the point when we will start to “heal” ourselves. But for that, we first need to see, that all the people, environment, phenomena and circumstances happening around us, through us and to us are not divided from us. And what we certainly can do, is to contain them into our heart. And in doing so, become “independent” of them. It doesn’t mean that now we’re going to save them all. That doesn’t work either. It’s just a disaster. With a consequence of drowning oneself in deep suffering and robbing others of their inherent responsibility. But again, what we can, and one day will have to do, is to contain them. And when we do, then we can simply watch them without any prejudices, with compassion. Or turn around freely and walk away in peace.
This all applies to almost each of us. For we are all together in this human misery. Be except a very few lucky ones who found the courage to face themselves and transcend their past. I wish I could be amongst them one day too.
It’s almost strange that these day’s “message” from the Universe is called “Leaping into the Void“. Life is playing a funny game with us night and day. Forwards and backwards. Up and down. Sideways. Let it be gracious enough to let us see through the veil of this game and our blindness one day.
And let we be courageous enough to finally show up in our own experience…