The not-self story
I decided to share here what was the story before I set off. Because I can clearly see I have no chance to destroy the “kingdom of madness” the not-self has built again and to ground. At least not here. I say the not-self, but I know that in essence, it’s me, this also is me.
It’s been just a few days ago I realized that what is being created by the not-self of my lineage (my not-self) is the “fake Son” with all its structure, built on the outer energies – originally when I was a child, my former family members. Instead of the inner ones. My “role” in the outer structure of this insanity was (and again is) the emotional body. I wish this would be just a bad dream and never happen (again), but perhaps it was necessary once more. To bring awareness to how and to realize that if I ever want to have a chance to heal, I have to leave the former family environment as soon as possible, without any contact or attachments to them whatsoever. Not because it would be their mistake or responsibility, but because that environment takes my whole being away and manipulates it, by taking over my mind. At least until the not-self mind is dissolved and I can stand on my own feet. And of course, this is possible only when I’m grounded, with my mother behind or a solid grounding structure built over time. In my current state, when mom cannot hold me anymore, it’s a fast race that doesn’t tolerate mistakes or unconsciousness. Or a fact of not having a stable structure, resources, foundations or being in an incorrect environment.
When I was clean down at the bottom last May, first the mental body destroyed the emotional one. By throwing whatever is found on the belly without a single pause to realize what is being done. Since I was at my parent’s place, this was my father’s role. I was grounding myself but today I know he must’ve felt a lot of force because of his condition. I say this without any judgement or trying to play a victim of him. I was nowhere to go at that moment. And I haven’t seen yet what is being done, not clearly. That was a moment I should’ve run away as quickly as possible, no matter where. Of course, quickly after that force came from the mother because of the attachments not being dissolved and I was unable to deal with the amount. When the emotional body was destroyed, it was being held between force and oppression. I managed to leave the environment at some point but it wasn’t for much because my father (or my mirror of him) was already on the top of my head, clinging to the field. Whatever I did, it wasn’t enough to manage the dissolution of imprints. Running, cycling, canoeing, crying, whatever. The ability to process the charge was gone. At some point, it was so heavy that just a question of time parted me from “sitting” on someone in my field. So the “response” brought more force from below. Long story short, the last point in the not-self story was to manipulate the emotional body into an environment where some of the oppressive energies did their job. And I was stupid enough not to see it. Of course, now the full force of my mother is under my ass. But since the condition of the energy body is as it is, I don’t yet see any chance to ground this? What it would like me to do now (as it did two years ago) is to run around like a madman to bring more and more heaviness in try to ground. To build that “fake grounding structure”, which is actually an oppressive structure. But there’s enough awareness now to follow its plan again. If this is “his” choice, I choose the inevitable.
Based on experience, unfortunately, I know I have no chance to ground this alone. And all new people would make it worse, just adding to its fake “grounding structure”, without the ability to dissolve the attachments and bring the grounding. Not in this condition. It’s a pure “giving away of the personal power”. No possibility to start the relationship correctly. Never-ending downward spiral causing more and more suffering. Without a possibility to end. There’s more than enough water on my belly hanging already but I have no picture at all. Things happen unconsciously, but totally for the purpose of this not-self drama. The “accumulation of the karma” is perfectly planned. The way out only raven knows, but not me, unfortunately. I guess all was over when I was ungrounded for the first time, in 2016? and when I saw this story picture in Nettersheim. Thank you, Wilfried. Unfortunately, I had no clue whatsoever about what I’m looking at, or what to do. I see only panic and mistakes in hindsight. The correct information on how to deal with this came too late. The awareness of what I see even later…
Seems like the shadow got me in this lifetime. I’m still optimistic but pragmatic at the same time. Now almost all the “grounding structure” is up again and in a belief that the son is back. Not knowing what is behind the curtain and what my emotional body looks like. And it’s not even their business, I know. More heaviness and karma coming. An unwitting victim of its own mind, but with full responsibility. The truth is that I simply wasn’t able to handle my shadow. Lack of awareness in critical moments. And as a mental projector with Ajna and throat defined only that’s all that I have. Awareness. Insights. Yet it seems to be always coming a bit too late.
I don’t give up on life yet. There is still hope inside, even after seeing this and acknowledging my position. No money, no structure, no home, no foundations. The not-self made a brilliant job to force me to come back to my parent’s house. I left the space of my parents this morning. Not knowing where I go. Decided not to come back anymore. Took my rucksack with a few clothes and an old bike. But the “thing” with a picture of a bird already sits on my back and I see how every decision or step is controlled by it. I feel how it keeps my mind under control, in its thrall. Today I know it’s my father with his “flock of crows” and a dogmatic viewpoint that cannot tolerate any freedom of spirit or mind. At the same time, it’s not really him. Like every person in the story, it’s just a mirror. Just me, my responsibility and a life challenge. But the bird is clinging too tightly to my field and my position seems hopeless. It’s gone too far. And the bird likes to take advantage of its current position. Though I won’t let it move further anymore this time. So he won’t be flying with a “falsely” opened heart anymore. Not with me. Sitting here in my former canoe-club house away from my hometown and waiting for the night under force. Trying to see if there possibly is any way out. Maybe finding courage for the inevitable? Surrender… But surrender to what? To physical death? To the bird? Every new contact just makes it stronger. More pain, more force. At least I can feel and perceive all. Thank you Richard, thank you Tomas. Honestly. It brings awareness.
I’m surely deaf and blind with my head in the hold of these energies, but I don’t see a choice..!?! To take a bike and step on a long way down to Croatia or Italy? Today I had a short call for a job offer when I was on the train. First a lady from France, then her colleague from Turkey… A job is located in Prague or Milano. Message clear. No one will give me a job in this condition. There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to run away I hear you saying. But maybe it would work? I went for a run tonight, not a good idea. I’ll try kayak tomorrow. If nothing then a bit of joy.
In regards to this, I’m somehow sure Richard, that what I did almost 2 years ago I did, unconsciously, out of desperateness (the same before with you, Tomas. Even more unconsciously). Because I realized I cannot put it down by myself. Even if that time purely unconsciously, I was only able to see the consequences. Not the source and I didn’t perceive the structure hanging on me. Not deeply enough. Which of course doesn’t take away my responsibility at all.
The bottom line is, I don’t have a solution. Only a threat operating through my body and harming me and the whole at the same time. And realizing it can only become worse day by day. It doesn’t make sense to continue. It’s not a way down the dried ditch. A wrong path…